Why Most People Think Coaching Sucks
Ever have a lousy experience with a coach? I recently did, and it reminded me of why people hate coaching.
The Context for Coaching
At the time of my lousy coaching experience, turmoil had erupted in one of my peripheral relationships. The person in question is truly on the periphery—I don’t need to have a functional relationship with them—but I was surprised by how intense my emotions were.
The conflict made me curious about myself: could I apply lessons from this relationship to other challenges in life? Did it highlight a need for more self-compassion? Clarity about my purpose? A too-familiar saboteur to unmask? I wanted to know.
I turned to a coach I had worked with in the past. Back then, he’d helped me to practice more openness and awareness. I figured he’d be a good fit for this work.
Wow, was I wrong! He asked me one true coaching question (“What’s your intuition about this?). He agreed with my answer. Then, he told me that I had to talk to this person about establishing a stronger relationship. He even suggested a script for me to use.
I pushed back. “I didn’t reach out to you to improve this relationship. I reached out to understand what my feelings could teach me, and how I could apply that to improve my life.”
No matter how much I explained the clarity of my boundaries (“No, really…I don’t have to communicate with this person!”), he kept insisting that I confront the role I play relative to them.
Are you annoyed yet? I certainly was. I still am! It felt like he wasn’t hearing me at all. And I had was paying money not to be listened to. WTF? 🤬
But as with almost any unpleasant experience, there are good lessons to be learned. Here are the lessons that stood out to me. And they’re the three things that most people HATE about “coaching.” (I use quotation marks because…well…it’s not coaching!)
Annoying things that “coaches” do
1. When doling out misguided advice, they call it “challenging people.”
Coaches challenge people’s paradigms. It’s a way to help people to “think about their thinking.” A coach might ask, “How do you know it’s true?” Or “Is there a case when it might not be true?” A coach does not assume—they approach with curiosity. Misguided advice sounds like, “You may not want to hear what I’m going to say, but you’re going to have to do this.” (Yes, my coach actually said this.) Challenging, for sure, but not based in curiosity.
2. Coaching feels transactional, not transformational.
A great coaching conversation does not just result in different behavior or more effective courses of action, it’s also an opportunity to recognize unhelpful cognitive biases, identify dysfunctional paradigms, and explore new perspectives. My coach kept coming back to the person and the relationship, not to ME—the one constant in all of my relationships. Focusing purely on externals/others keeps change on the surface, rather than diving deeper for longer-lasting, broader transformation.
3. They assume their paradigm is the right one.
Coaches MUST put their own paradigms aside, at least until they’ve understood the coachee’s perspective and agenda. What does the coachee want to get out of the conversation? How has the coachee been viewing reality? My coach really thought he knew best—that his truth was The Truth (I call it “truth with a capital T”). His paradigm probably works in most people’s lives, but it simply did not apply to mine. He completely missed the mark.
The Case for Change
Thankfully, I know what good coaching is, so this singular experience didn’t color my perspective of coaching’s value. But that’s not often the case for people who haven’t worked extensively with a coach before. When leaders make the above mistakes while wearing the “coaching” hat, it can turn people off to coaching for a long time.
One of my recent students recalled a similar experience with his “coaching” boss. In a coaching conversation, his boss committed all of the mistakes above. Honestly, I’m surprised the student signed up for the program after having an experience like that! (But I’m soooo glad that he did—his evolution has been exceptional.) Hearing his story, other students in the cohort became fearful of making similar breaches with their team members. But it also created a rallying cry for them…a determination to never be “that guy!”
Ready to explore this in more depth? Read our 3-minute article to learn two essential mindset shifts to make you a better coach and a three-step plan to get started.
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