How to Go Deeper in Your Listening

How do you know whether you’re hearing someone or listening to them?

On any given flight in the EA-6B Prowler, I’d hear a lot of sounds. Rumbling engines, mic clicks, communication traffic. I’d hear conversations on the radio, but I’d listen when I heard our aircraft’s callsign or a reference to our target (or our tanker, assigned altitude, operating area, etc). I’d hear chatter among aircrew on the ICS, but I’d listen more intently when someone voiced concern about a tactical decision.

Distinctions That Increase Impact

Whether a leader is merely hearing or truly listening—and the degree to which they are listening—determines the degree of impact they will have on their team members. The deeper the listening, the more profound the impact.

When we hear, our brain is merely registering sound waves. When we listen, we are hearing with an intent to…

• notice nuances (such as a distinct bird call, or a particular word choice) 

• expand our experience of the sound (including the emotional and physical response to a favorite piece of music or to sounds in nature)

• play a role in conversation (which occurs on a range from superficial to deep)

Listen Masterfully…Coach Masterfully

Listening is a basic skill of leadership, but we need to listen deeper when we’re coaching if we want to evoke the best in our people. Leaders who coach masterfully practice three listening skills:

1.     Notice specific word choices and share observations in a way that engages individuals in reflection, rather than defensiveness.

Language reveals a person’s mental map—a mix of beliefs, cognitive biases, and habits of thought—which shapes their journey through life. When people see their own map clearly, they can make thoughtful decisions about the path they take. 

All too often, however, our own maps are unknown to us. 

For example, when a direct report refers to himself as “inexperienced,” or another is frustrated by her peers’ lack of “professionalism,” they probably don’t realize how subjective these terms are. But labels like these indicate how they see themselves and others. And labels, if unquestioned, can create unintended obstacles. 

A skilled leader can be the lantern to one’s path, helping people to see more direct or fruitful routes to their destination. Share your observation of their word choice, and inquire into the labels that might be hindering their path. To minimize defensiveness, approach the inquiry from true curiosity rather than veiled judgment.

It might sound like this: “I noticed you used the term ‘inexperienced’ and I’m concerned that it might inhibit you. What evidence tells you that you are inexperienced?” Or “‘Professionalism’ is a loaded word. How do you define it in this context?”

2.     Detect subtle internal energy shifts and classify them as distractions or reactions.

Do you feel your chest tighten or your shoulders tense up in conversation? Is it from an internal distraction that’s causing a stress response (fretting about your own challenges), or is it a reaction you’re having to the story being relayed? 

If it’s the former, your realization can be an invitation to return your presence to the conversation at hand so you can listen more intently. If it’s the latter, your personal reaction might be a cue to inquire into the coachee’s energy state. Maybe they’re feeling the same way, or maybe they’re feeling something entirely different—either way, your question can deepen the conversation further. 

3.     Choose an appropriate level of listening.

We can listen at a superficial level, where every comment gets filtered through “me”: what her words remind me of, how I feel about what she’s saying, whether I think her story is true.

Or we can listen at a much deeper level—focused intently on the speaker’s word choice, tone, energy, facial expressions, and emotional state—so we can hear what’s not being said, appreciate the wider context, and truly see the world through her eyes. 

Depending on the relational context, each level has the potential to build rapport. Superficial listening is often good for fun and light “get to know you” conversations. Deeper levels of listening tend to lead to more trust and confidence—critical ingredients for a productive coaching relationship.

The Precursor

These three skills take time to develop—which is why any coaching skill development program for leaders must provide ample integration support over time. The good news is that there is a foundation that makes these skills easier.

The precursor to deeper listening is the master skill of metacognition, which is the ability to notice and manage one’s thoughts. It’s so foundational to coaching, that it’s the very first skill we teach in Leader of Areté. 

But even that skill is fairly complex to learn. 

 Though the process we teach is very effective, if you try to muscle through it, you’ll end up confused, exhausted, and disheartened.

That’s why we also teach an even MORE foundational skill: meditation. 

The Precursor to the Precursor

Meditation is a reliable enabler of metacognition and other coaching skills, because it helps leaders to both notice their thoughts and notice their distractions. It builds their ability to focus—on themselves, on the person they’re coaching, on the bigger context—with intention. 

I often explain that it’s like taking your brain to the gym. Your ability to focus gets stronger and more defined every time you meditate, no matter how “successful” the meditation session was.

Want to become a better listener? Don’t just quiet your voice. Quiet your mind.

Your ability to manage your thinking is the key to deeper listening. It’s really that simple. Set a timer for 2 to 10 minutes, and just start.

You might be surprised by what you hear.