Confront Problems, Not People

When’s the last time you went toe-to-toe with someone you work or live with? How did THAT go?

Despite who won the battle, something important was likely lost: a sense of partnership.

Over the last six months, I’ve had the privilege of working with three very different teams working on extremely complex projects, and it’s amazing to see how far their projects and partnerships have come in that short time.

At the outset, I encouraged each team to agree to “Confront problems, not people.” A simple phrase with HUGE impact.

Recently, several team members have specifically identified that principle as a key to their productive and positive partnership. Here’s why.

Magical things happen in a relationship when you confront the problem at hand, rather than the other person.

When you’re in a less-than-desirable situation…

Confronting the person carries a tone of blame. Your words say, “it’s your fault we’re here.” “Oh really?” they retort. Any pile of evidence you point to will be dwarfed by the mountain of context you’ll never be able to see—let alone understand. Their defenses rise up. They shut down or lash out. Now the real problem gets sidelined, because you have to deal with the relationship conflict problem. It’s become about you vs. them—a battle of egos.

Confronting the problem sends the message: “We’re in this together. We can figure it out. I’ve been complicit in this to some degree, if only by not bringing it to your attention sooner. In doing so, I’ve made the whole situation worse. Our solution will likely be better than my solution—please work with me to find it.” There may be some disagreement along the way. If you can’t resolve it together, you might have to involve the chain of command or external experts. But whatever you do going forward will be in the best interest of solving the problem, rather than engaging in a battle of egos.

Confront problems. Not people.

See what happens when you stand side-by-side rather than toe-to-toe.